Let Me Be Your Mirror

Why is it that how we perceive ourselves is usually different than how our friends, family and even the universe sees us? Are we taught to not fully love ourselves or do we pick up on self criticism from how we perceive the world? 

Self-help books seem to be all the craze and don’t get me wrong I love them too. When I was at my lowest self-loathing phase of the tummy rolls and a bald head I wanted nothing more than to be inspired to take on the world and feel a bit better about myself. Little did I know I was already taking on the world and battling my disease. It’s sad that as my body was trying to fight to stay alive I was more concerned with my self perception or even the perception of others. I would walk around the grocery store not confident and very anxious about what others were thinking of me… but guess what… NO ONE CARES and actually thinks the complete opposite of your self perception! Now looking back I realize that my situation brought a different type of attention. It wasn’t a rare occurrence when strangers would come up to me and ask if I was bald under my beanie and tell me about how they had battled cancer years ago and I could do the same. I even had a woman come up to me and say “I am so happy to see you are well enough to be at the grocery store with a smile on your face. I am scheduled to start chemo in 3 days.” 

I try to remember these situations often especially when I am having my down days and don’t feel quite right. I also remind myself that as I am looking in the mirror no one knows what is actually going on inside of me and I am the only one that can control my self-perception and thoughts. I reached out to friends and family and asked them to describe me in three words and describe themselves in three words. It was interesting to hear the response. They were quick to respond with positive words but words about themselves took longer or it was hard to find 3 words. I am happy to say that most everyone described themselves in a positive way which then has me thinking, do the people I keep close to me think positively about themselves and the world because I do and thrive in that energy? I need to remember to ALWAYS think of myself how my mom or best friends would think of me. I am a total bad ass that is not just living with cancer but thriving with cancer.